Fulfilled but Longing...

I used to journal. Sometimes I miss that journaling side of me. The side that was reflective and maybe insightful and longed for greatness or anything outside of what I had. In other ways I believe my lack of journaling shows a maturing and deeper contentment with myself and my life. I often journaled when nothing else worked and despair was setting in. So, while maybe I do miss the journaling, I guess I don't long to return to those days. That was before I recognized the man of my dreams, before I became a mom, before I found fulfillment in being a wife, a mom, a sister, a daughter, a friend. And yet, some days, I wonder is my lack of necessity to journal a sign that I've settled? I used to crave vision; I longed to see a life outside of the box I constantly created. Now, most often, I just ask for the strength to get through today. I used to cry out for a deeper understanding of God. While I still think I desire that, I most often don't take the time to ask. I used to be so sure there was a deeper calling on my life then what I could see or understand at the moment. So now, even though I am not completely content, why do I believe that I have arrived?

I think as a wife and a mom, I so often tell myself that it is wrong to long for more. I think that if I crave more vision I'm selling my family short, that I'm not recognizing the amazing gift before me. I feel like it used to be okay for me to be desperate for change, for greatness because I was single and very much at the dawn of discovering what life had for me. And now I've arrived? I don't think so. I'm realizing that this is just another chapter, and while I love this chapter and feel so much more secure and fulfilled than I ever have, I don't have to give up dreaming. There is something in my spirit that will always long for more until the day I meet the one that has put that longing there. I need to reach for the calling that is beyond the mundane, the day to day. But unlike my desperate journalings from the past, I need to recognize that there is fulfillment in today. That there is great calling where I am at. So here I am, fulfilled but longing. I don't think this is such a bad place to be.

My Days

It is unbelievable to me that summer is over and we are headed towards fall. I always find this time of the year bittersweet. I look forwards to crisper, cooler days after a hot, dry summer. I look forwards to the schedule and activities that fall brings after the more laid back days of summer. However, at the same time I mourn the loss of hot weather and relaxing days.

Amirah is an added bonus to this fall weather. I am keeping her five days a week this year, which is proving to be challenging and rewarding. The challenging moments come when I cannot possibly meet the immediate demands of two girls six months apart in age. The rewards come when Natalie bends over to give Amirah a kiss and Amirah reciprocates with a big smile! I'm looking forwards to this year, to watch both girls grow and bond, to invest myself in these small lives with enormous potential.