My Story.

I have written so many things this past week, thought so many thoughts, had so many conversations in my head.  I'm unsure how to share a story of sadness and joy. Longing to express my heart, but insecure in where to start and stop.  My wise husband said, "just share, it's your story."

We lost a little life last week.  A little baby with a beating heart that did not make it to the security of Mommy's womb. Ectopic pregnancy - one of those strange, "wouldn't happen to me" things that happened.  I mourn for that little life, that beating heart that felt safe.  That is now safe, not in my womb, but in the hands of his or her Maker.

We discovered another little life last week.  A little baby with a beating heart in the security of my womb.  Two babies, one that had to be taken from me, and one I am blessed to hold and carry for awhile longer. And so I mourn and I rejoice and sometimes I don't know what I'm doing when.

And God is with me and he carries me.  I explained this evening to my three year old how God is the One that knows everything.  That we are ok, even when we don't know because He knows.  The truth of those words hit me now and I'm overhwhelmed by a God who knows, a God who is.  And my heart beats in the security of His arms.  And ultimately I rejoice because He's got us and we are all ok.

Grace for the morning

It was one of those moments... everything broke down and we were all left in tears. Mommy, big girl, and baby.  I'm crying out for God to cover the brokenness, the disobedience, the sickness as we all cry; and I'm left asking myself "how did we get to this point?"  I can list a handful of things - the morning started to abruptly, Daddy left for work after being home a couple of days, stress, sickness, fatigue.  And while all of these things may have contributed to our chaotic start, none of those things were the root.  What if I had sought out my Father first thing, rather than a hot shower?  What if I had given thanks for a new dawn, instead of focusing  on the "to do's" of the day.  What if I had embraced redemption, sought out grace, chosen joy?  And so my prayer ushered in a new beginning, a do-over for our morning thanks to the redemption, grace, and joy of our King.  Now we have peace for the moment, and God's presence and forgiveness to cover the rest.  It's a good morning.

Good morning!

I know this is the story of motherhood, but this little girl is growing up so fast!  Still no words, but so much expression and so much personality!  I just love her.

Attitude Change

Today was one of those days.  That day that you know you need a perspective ....ummm...errr... attitude change, but you just can't seem to get there.  And everything is a reflection of it, especially the attitude of your children.  BIG SIGH!  I am so thankful for a Mom who takes time on her day off to pick us up (did I mention I couldn't even get out because I couldn't start the car!) and treats us to ice cream.  I am blessed by a husband who comes home from work and heads straight out to the garage to fix my car because he heard the panic in my voice when I couldn't leave the house earlier in the day.  I am delighted by the giggles of my baby as we snuggle before she slips off to her sweet slumber.  I am amazed by my girl who challenges me and inspires me by her will and her heart.  Her prayers are touching the heart of her Father and softening my heart.

"Dear God, help us to listen." " Dear God, Brielle and me and Oscar (the cat) are scared of thunder, please don't leave us."  "Dear God, Brielle follows me everywhere, please help us."

God, give me the grace and the perspective (ok, attitude change) to love and to lead.

Happy Fall

For all those wondering, and I'm sure it's all of you, I feel like I've been able to embrace Fall finally.  Yesterday I made applesauce - what a chore!  But, my family loves it and I feel so good feeding it to them!  It actually worked out perfectly because Hans and his Dad were here working on his Dad's computer and they were great at entertaining the girls while I worked.  They even took both girls with them when they had to run out to the store, and they brought back dinner - blessed! So applesauce is in the freezer.

On Saturday Hans cooked a turkey for us - what a man!  It was delicious!  I know, you're thinking, turkey on a random September weekend?  Well, we have great neighbors and a few months ago they gave us a turkey they weren't going to use.  So, it's been in our freezer, and I decided it was time to use it.  Of course, I gave my husband the honors.  He did such a great job.  His parents came over to enjoy it with us and the rest is in the freezer... for soup... or... anyone have some great leftover turkey recipes?  I really wanted to get some pictures of Hans in the kitchen, but I forgot :(

We also had a fun little campfire at my parents the other night to celebrate Fall... oh and the fact that Monica and Mwita were visiting :)  I just love my family and that we love each other.

Here are a few pictures, starting off with the new Fall wreath I made for the front door and the fun leaf garland in the living room.

This little girl loves to play!  It's so fun watching her explore and learn.

My sweetie.  We are starting a little preschool class a few days a week.  More details to come on that.

Changing Seasons

There's something about the changing of seasons that makes me feel restless somehow... ready to move on to the next thing, but always a little hesitant to leave anything behind.

Especially as Summer turns to Fall I feel this little spark of joy mixed with a tinge of sorrow. See really I thrive on the changing of seasons.  I'm not the kind of person that wants something to stay the same way all the time.  As long Summer nights turn into crisp Autumn mornings something new begins to wake... new ideas, new excursions, new routines.

Then there is always that thought of what I missed.  Did we spend enough time soaking up the sun, splashing in water, letting popsicles drip off our chins? Did we have enough picnics and walks to the park?  Did I pick enough flowers and eat enough tomatoes straight from own garden?

And then the list gets sillier... I didn't pull enough weeds, I didn't tend to that garden at all.  I'm sure I didn't let enough fresh air into our house and into those little lungs that I'm responsible for.  We should have eaten more summer produce and gotten more exercise. We should have, we would, we could have.... does anyone else do this?

However, here I am. On a day that definitely feels like Fall, and I've been doing this in between thing for a few weeks now.  It's time to commit!  All the summer clothes were finally put away this morning.  The girls and I are headed to the orchard after naps to pick up some delicious apples - I see apple pie and applesauce in our future!  I'm going to be intentional about Fall and not mournful about Summer.  Maybe someday all of my ambitions will come to pass, but either way - Here's to Fall and the moment!

A cupcake party!

We celebrated Brielle's first birthday with a cupcake party on Sunday afternoon!  Here are a few pictures of the festivities!

Here is the giant cupcake. I was pleased with how it turned out.  It was lemon cake with a blackberry filling and blackberry buttercream icing.  Sorry to all the party-goers but it tasted even better the next day!

Here's the birthday girl.  Natalie, of course, had to help blow out the candle.

Brielle was intrigued by the texture of the icing.

After I held it up to her mouth she realized it also tasted good!  She pretty much consumed that whole cupcake.  I'm disappointed that I didn't get a picture of the consumption!

Here we are post consumption :)

On the day of her birthday we gave her a first taste of an ice cream cone (to make Mamaw and Pappy Lehman proud).  It was, of course, a hit!

 Here she is with one of her presents.

Happy Birthday, Baby Brielle!

My baby turned one today.  How does that happen?  That little baby that has kept us on our toes since day one.  The one the doctors could not find in the beginning, the one that danced around in my belly, the one that arrived five weeks early.  The tiny little girl that slept away her first days, weeks, almost months. The girl with the blue eyes that did not go away and the blonde hair that began to sprout.  That baby that began to laugh with her eyes, her smile, her whole belly.  The one that started to move and explore and just won't stop.  My sweet, sweet girl.  How much delight you bring to our lives.  Happy birthday!

Follow -Up

I've been sitting here for a little too long trying to figure out how to follow up my last post. I was so encouraged and challenged and a bit overwhelmed by the response.  I really am surrounded by so many super women! I know deep down that I am not alone in this journey, but sometimes it's so easy to forget and to just keep moving on alone. Thank you for letting me see into many of your hearts and souls.  Please challenge me to allow you to see into mine as well.  I did not clean my bathrooms today, I was frustrated  with my girls (and acted out of that frustration) a time or two, but I loved and I lived and I will go for it again tomorrow.  Thanks for coming with me!

Stirrings

So many things have been stirring in my heart over the past weeks.  So, I go about all these things I do.  Loving my kids (and I wish I was better at that all the time), loving my husband (again, so not perfectly), cleaning my house, buying groceries, cooking food, a little sleep, a little media (a little less recently - working on that) and that seems like a day.  And all these stirrings get pushed to another time and place.  Meanwhile, souls are hurting; dreams are dying; children are growing up (way too fast!). And in the quiet of the evenings and those little in between moments in my day I'm left wondering, "what is all this about?"  All these things I do? And all these things I do not? Stirrings.

In the middle of this I feel beaten down.  My self esteem is hit to the core.  I feel unimportant and unattractive, and misunderstood.  And I don't write this so the compliments can be heaped on.  I'm ok.  I recognize the work of the enemy.  I write this because I know I'm not alone.  This enemy is not just after me.  He's after you.   He's after the woman that in your mind is perfect.  He's after the woman that you know is imperfect.  He wants us all.  Why do we keep buying it?

So many times recently I've heard women list their accomplishments only to downplay them in the next breathe.  I get it.  I've done it.  But here's the thing - maybe you really are Super Mom, or Super Wife, or Super Woman.  Not perfect anybody, but Super.  I know you yelled at your kids, and you were short with your husband, and you didn't clean your bathrooms.  I'm there far too many days also (and let's work on that together), but if you woke up, and you loved (not perfectly, but intentionally), and you lived I think you were pretty super.  Let's do it again tomorrow and work on those areas that need it, but allow grace to cover it all.

And maybe most importantly, let's be real.  With the beauty and with the pain.  Let's list our accomplishments with pride and share our failures with integrity.  We are not perfect, but if we are trying at all I believe we are being perfected.  Let's reach out.  I might not know that there is pain behind your eyes, or fear hidden behind your words, but really the only thing that is stopping me from finding out is my own fear and my own pride.  So I'm being stirred.  To seek, to find.  Please join me.

Summer Produce

This is the fresh produce that ended up on my counter yesterday evening.  Blessed!  My girls go through fruit (er, um food in general - I have two really good eaters on my hands!)  like crazy, which I love until I look at my grocery budget :)  My mom also helped me can some tomato juice.  I love summertime!

Here's one of my good little eaters.  Cannot believe she will have a birthday in two weeks - gasp!!

Happy Saturday!

A Purple Party

Natalie decided months ago that she wanted to celebrate her 3rd birthday with a purple party.  I thought it might be a fun theme, so we ran with it!  Here's a peek at the festivities.  A highlight for Natalie was that all of her cousins were there and the party was at Grammy and Pappy's which was a must for her!

We asked all the guests to come dressed in purple! Here are 3 of Natalie's special cousins.

Cake and candy!

The giant 3!  It looks a little gray, but really it's "hyacinth" :)

Amirah and her party hat

Time to eat!

I decided to make a purple ombre cake and was happy with how it turned out

The birthday girl with her cake and ice cream.  

There are always a lot of present helpers :)

My mom made this adorable dress for her.  Natalie was quite pleased with herself in it.

Cousins!

Happy birthday, Natalie Jade. 

Happy 3rd Birthday, Natalie Jade!

This morning is one of those times when I wish I could make time stand still... just a little.  My baby girl is three and growing and changing so fast that sometimes I'm afraid I can't keep up.  I can't be intentional enough; I can't seize all these moments.  She is a beautiful girl.  Sometimes I am struck by her beauty, inside and out, and wonder how it is that she was gifted to us.

Natalie, thank you so much for being you.  You have changed our lives in so many ways.  You have taught us how to love in a way I never thought possible.  I love your mind - how you think and analyze and think some more.  I love how to you the world is black and white.  And even though I know that perspective will be rocked as you grow older ,I pray you never lose your sense of justice.  I think you will be a justice fighter.  From day one, I've said you have a big voice - don't ever let it grow quiet.  Continue to ask the questions no one can answer.

You are beautiful on the outside - those eyes, those curls!  But never forget your true beauty lies within you.  You are a daughter of the Most High and have been created by Him for Him.  I love the beauty within you.  How you long to help and serve others.  You are so sweet with your sister.  You test the limits, but I know you will always take care of her.  The other day I walked into your room and she had her head on your lap and I knew the two of you would be ok together.  Thank you.

Thank you for your "I love you so much" hugs; for your songs; and made up words; for the way you lose yourself in playing anytime, anywhere.

Happy birthday, sweet girl!  Thanks for rocking my world.

Summer Snapshots

We are loving us some summertime here at the Lehman house.  Our weekends have been busy, busy but the weekdays have been low key lately and I'm ok with that.  These girls have been keeping me entertained.  I cannot believe how much they are growing, changing, learning.  We will be celebrating Natalie's third birthday next week and Brielle's first in another month!  That kind of makes me want to cry.  It's in these moments that I realize I must savor, savor, savor these days! Here is a sneak peek into what's been keeping us busy. I cannot possibly look at these pictures without realizing just how blessed I am!


Hans with Natalie and Amirah at the fireworks.  Such joy in this picture.

Brielle's first time in a pool.  She liked it, but what she likes even more is the sprinkler!  This little girl is hilarious and has little fear.

Natalie loves the water!  She surprised us by jumping off the diving board (with her floaties and Hans there to catch her).  She is usually cautious, but not so much when it comes to swimming. 

Brielle loves her Pappy and I love the amount of time he spends loving on my girls.

Uncle Mwita is always a big hit!

Lake Tobias - this was a fun, hot day.  Natalie really enjoyed feeding the animals on the Safari and chasing the goats at the petting zoo.  Brielle was a trooper.

Summer "Projects"

I really want to make these warm days count and enjoy Summertime with a almost 3 year old and almost one year old (wow!)  So, Natalie and I are tackling some Summer "projects". We've had so much fun.  Other than these activities, we've also been playing in lots of water.  Both girls love splashing.  I fill up a few buckets and the little pool and let them splash away.

Project #1 was our  giant ice block.  We did this while Amirah was with us.  Both girls loved it and stuck with it longer than I expected. Even Brielle got in on the action (mainly to use the ice block as a tool with which to stand up).  

Project #2 was making homemade slime.  This has been on my list for awhile, but I never got around to buying the ingredients.  It turned out great and was simple to make.  In fact, we still have it and Natalie will get it out from time to time to play with it.  I guess the borax is toxic, so this is best as a supervised project.

Project #3 was bathtub paint.  Natalie and I did this to fill some time one evening while Hans was away and Brielle was already in bed.  She loved it.  It was so easy to make, contain, and clean up!  Next time I will add a little less water.  I doubled the recipe, but I wouldn't have needed to.  A little goes a long way.  Also, I'm funny about bathtub pictures of my kids on the internet, so all you get to see is the paint on this one.  

Project #4 was fizzy sidewalk paint.  Natalie especially loved spraying the paintings with vinegar.  This girl loves her spray bottle.  That was one of the best investments ($0.98 at Walmart) that I've made this summer.  Mostly we use water, not vinegar.  But the fizz was so fun! 

My project is planning the girls birthday parties.  Natalie is having a purple party and Brielle is having a cupcake party.  I will show these projects after the fact, but I am staying busy during nap time getting things ready!

Happy Daddy's Day!

Happy Father's Day! I know I'm a little behind, but two days isn't that bad, right? My blogging time seems to have been eaten up by a baby who doesn't like to take very long afternoon naps very often.  In fact, she is awake right now, in her crib, waiting for me.  So, here's my quick Father's Day Tribute to the wonderful Daddy of my beautiful babies and my own amazing Dad.  I have been so blessed!


Natalie LOVES as much time as she can possibly get with her Daddy.  Yesterday, she was content to sit out in the work van (well, sit may not quite be the right word) while her Daddy worked on it.  She was probably out there for a couple hours all together.  She also likes to sit up in his office and "tinker" with his things.  Yes, she is her father's daughter. I see so much of him in her which is really a beautiful thing.  

Brielle delights in the sight of her Daddy.  I love that line.  There is so much I can learn from watching my girls and their Dad.  Her face lights up at the sight of him and her legs begin to squirm.  "Please, get me Daddy!" You can see it all over her.  Pure joy.  

Hans, thank you so much for being the kind of Daddy that plays, and laughs, and teaches.  I love you and love how you love!

To my own Dad, thank you for preparing me to be a wife and a mother.  Thank you for teaching me how to love and how to learn.  Thanks for instilling in me vision and the ability to see beyond the here and now.  I love you so much.  So much of who I am and where I'm at is because of who you were and continue to be and for that I think we are all pretty blessed!

Ok, better get the girl.  Oh, and don't you love the picture of my man and those beautiful babies? Props to Karmon Franklin for being able to capture anything close to smiles!

Memorial Day Fun!

We had a fun Memorial Day weekend!  The weekend started off a little rough, with Hans working all day on Saturday and me at home with the girls, one who is teething up a storm!  Until Hans got home Saturday evening I was a little on the grumpy side and in desperate need of getting out of the house and having some family fun.

So, Sunday afternoon we concocted a plan to head to a local State Park to grill some hot dogs and let Natalie play in the stream.  We invited Hans' oldest brother and his family and at the last minute my sister and her family joined us.  It was just what the doctor ordered!  Hans and I had to laugh as our quick plan took awhile to execute.  Sometimes I miss the days when we just had to grab the charcoal and the hot dogs.  This time we had changes of clothes, towels, diapers, toys, blankets, booster seat etc.  But, I wouldn't trade these days for anything.

Monday we spent the day at my parents.  We had a cook out, all four kids took naps, and the girls played out in the little pool and the sprinkler.  So fun! I just love time with family.

Bring on Summertime!

There's a Lesson Here Somewhere

Do you ever get that feeling that you are right in the middle of a lesson?  Like it's all around you and you're starting to grasp for it, but it's just evading you?  I don't know, I get that feeling sometimes. There's this big word floating around right now... it's not actually huge as far as words go, but I think its meaning may be vast.  PERSISTENCE.  Maybe it didn't wow you with it's letter count or pronunciation, but think about it for awhile and I think you'll be impressed. I know I am.

See I'm surrounded with persistence... I have a two and a half year old.  "Why, Mommy... but why?  I know but why?..." " Please, Mommy.... I need it...Mommy, now! PERSISTENCE.  Then there is this baby who cannot yet persist in words, but definitely can in actions.  She's learning to crawl and she will grunt and groan and grasp until she gets where she wants to be. PERSISTENCE.  And as I watch these sweet, persistent girls the word reverberates in my mind and I think, "God, you're up to something aren't you?"

I want to persist in my asking like a toddler.  There are things I know God has in store for me, and for you for that matte,r that will only be given as I ask.... and ask... and ask... like some tenacious little girl I know.  I want to persist in my actions like a crawling baby.  There are things I'm sure God has in store if only step out and step into them like some baby girl I know that won't give up until she gets there.  PERSISTENCE.

I'm tired of saying I can't have it even before I've asked.  I'm tired of thinking it's out of reach only because it may take a little work to get there.  PERSISTENCE.

My Kitchen Floor

I could maybe write a book about my kitchen floor, with all the time I've put into despising it, cleaning it, standing on it, cleaning it again, despising it some more. The thing is, I'm pretty sure it doesn't deserve so much thought. Now the things I've learned while dealing with the kitchen floor maybe deserve more attention. I cleaned it today, like swept all the dirt up and then got down on my hands and knees and scrubbed that thing clean. I always feel so accomplished after I do that. Then the great tomato juice debacle happened (another story for another day). Oh well. The moral of the story is that it's just a floor, an old, white floor. And while I agree that it's probably sanitary to continue washing it every so often, it probably doesn't deserve so much of my attention ("don't walk on my clean floor with those shoes", "do not spill that milk", "ugh, there's milk on my clean floor", etc.) Lesson trying to be learned....

Here's a picture of my used to be spotless floor. There's a lot of life lived in this house - I would have to say that's more important.

Easter

We had a wonderful weekend celebrating Easter with our families. What a wonderful thing to celebrate... a Lord that is alive and at work within us!

Here are some pictures.... one of these times I'm actually going to write a thought provoking post.

Natalie came down to color Easter eggs in her swim suit and hat. We just threw a shirt over top and went with it! She makes me laugh.

Here is some of the Lehman crew after that big hunt. Such a picturesque setting :)

Natalie found her Easter basket!

Our sweet Brielle!

Pappy and his girls. As you can imagine, this nap didn't last long.