My Story.

I have written so many things this past week, thought so many thoughts, had so many conversations in my head.  I'm unsure how to share a story of sadness and joy. Longing to express my heart, but insecure in where to start and stop.  My wise husband said, "just share, it's your story."

We lost a little life last week.  A little baby with a beating heart that did not make it to the security of Mommy's womb. Ectopic pregnancy - one of those strange, "wouldn't happen to me" things that happened.  I mourn for that little life, that beating heart that felt safe.  That is now safe, not in my womb, but in the hands of his or her Maker.

We discovered another little life last week.  A little baby with a beating heart in the security of my womb.  Two babies, one that had to be taken from me, and one I am blessed to hold and carry for awhile longer. And so I mourn and I rejoice and sometimes I don't know what I'm doing when.

And God is with me and he carries me.  I explained this evening to my three year old how God is the One that knows everything.  That we are ok, even when we don't know because He knows.  The truth of those words hit me now and I'm overhwhelmed by a God who knows, a God who is.  And my heart beats in the security of His arms.  And ultimately I rejoice because He's got us and we are all ok.

Grace for the morning

It was one of those moments... everything broke down and we were all left in tears. Mommy, big girl, and baby.  I'm crying out for God to cover the brokenness, the disobedience, the sickness as we all cry; and I'm left asking myself "how did we get to this point?"  I can list a handful of things - the morning started to abruptly, Daddy left for work after being home a couple of days, stress, sickness, fatigue.  And while all of these things may have contributed to our chaotic start, none of those things were the root.  What if I had sought out my Father first thing, rather than a hot shower?  What if I had given thanks for a new dawn, instead of focusing  on the "to do's" of the day.  What if I had embraced redemption, sought out grace, chosen joy?  And so my prayer ushered in a new beginning, a do-over for our morning thanks to the redemption, grace, and joy of our King.  Now we have peace for the moment, and God's presence and forgiveness to cover the rest.  It's a good morning.

New Life

I don't even know where to begin this story. It is the story of the past three months of our lives but so, so much more than that. It's the story that resonates over and over in our lives of the faithful God we serve. All glory, wonder, awe.... belong to Him!

The end of January I found out I was pregnant. We were thrilled and in my mind I quickly began the planning process - will it be a boy or a girl? where will the baby sleep? how will Natalie feel? I need to buy diapers, I need to buy clothes, Natalie will need a new bed - the process I think only a mother can truly understand.

A week later I had some bleeding and cramping and was sent for an ultrasound. The ultrasound revealed a gestational sac with no baby inside. A few days later blood work showed that my hormone levels were basically back to a pre-pregnancy level. I had lost the baby. The choice was a D & C or to wait and let the process happen naturally. I chose to wait. And so began the mourning process.

Fast forward a month and a half. I feel pregnant again. After thinking about it for awhile I finally worked up the nerve to take a pregnancy test and sure enough it was positive. With some reluctance I returned to the doctor to see what was happening. Best case scenario in my mind I'm about six weeks pregnant with a new pregnancy. Worst case scenario, I'm still dealing with hormones leftover from the first pregnancy.

I make it to the doctor, with my husband by my side, feeling excited, but a little unsure. She tells me that if I still have pregnancy tissue in my body left from the first pregnancy that may give me a positive pregnancy test. She begins the ultrasound. And I don't think I will ever forget the words that come next. "Are you ready for this?" How do answer that? She turns the screen around to reveal not pregnancy tissue, not a 6 or 7 week old fetus, but an almost 15 week old baby with a beating heart and flailing limbs! I never miscarried.

I wish I have a view into what went on in my womb the past three months. I can't know that. The thing I know is that God has been faithful again, the whole time. He was faithful when I found out I was pregnant, He was faithful when I was devastated over miscarrying, He was faithful as I watched the beating heart of that beautiful baby, and He will continue to be the same. Maybe the doctors were wrong and the baby was fine and healthy the whole time. Maybe the baby wasn't fine and healthy and God brought new life. Either way, He's good and we're ecstatic! Baby #2 makes his or her entrance into the world the beginning of October!

Becoming Like a Child

It is amazing to me how much being a mom makes me so aware of my frailty. I think this is a good thing, but it can feel so desperate at times. I felt like I had this direct view of my relationship with God through one such desperate "conversation" with my 18 month old this afternoon. She is standing in front of me falling apart over one thing or another (it was just one of those days). I say, "Natalie, come here. I can help you, but you have to let me." And all of a sudden, it's not a conversation between Natalie and I anymore. I know that God has been whispering the same thing to me as I fall apart over one thing or another (it was just one of those days...weeks... ok, maybe months). "Angela, come here. I can help you, but you have to let me." All of a sudden it's as if I'm the eighteen month old; and as I pull my daughter into a big embrace, I feel the embrace of my Father. We're ok. She's safe in my arms because we are both safe in the arms of our Daddy.

Seeing Clearly

Natalie is upstairs wrapping my Christmas presents with her Daddy, which first of all, I love! I imagine he is in for a little more than he bargained for, but these are the moments memories are built on and he was game. What Daddy could resist that lit up face and the plea of "belp" which in our world we know means "help" - it's the language we speak these days. I am so blessed to have Hans as my husband and the Daddy of my precious little girl.

Recently, I feel like I've been in somewhat of a fog. Sometimes things happen, and I don't understand them, and I get frustrated, and I try fix things, and things get built up inside of me, and I don't take time to deal, and I snap at little things, and I begin to not like who I'm becoming, and I don't take time to really love those that are most important, and I don't trust God, and that means I trust myself, and that's a really scary place to be. I know that's a major run-on sentence, but that's how things build. So anyway, it's almost Christmas, and I need to come out of this cloud because I am so blessed! I cannot deny that. The only thing I need is to learn that God knows exactly what I need. That's enough.

So, Merry Christmas. I am celebrating today with my little, beautiful family. I will delight in the smiles, and giggles, and even cries because this is what I have been given and this is what memories are built on. I hope you celebrate too.