Mandatory Break

Breaks never seem quite as good when you are forced to take them. Why is that? I guess it's human nature. Things always look better when they are out of reach. I guess that's a childish behavior that is somewhat hard to grow out of.

My day did not turn out the way I expected yesterday. Fighting expectations is hard too. Hans and I went in for an ultrasound appointment yesterday at 8:00 AM to check on baby girl's growth and ended up making our way home from the hospital at 7:00 PM. The ultrasound showed that my cervix was shorter than it should be at this stage. That led to a doctors visit where I was hooked up to a fetal monitor which revealed I was having small contractions. That led to a trip to the hospital where I was again hooked to the fetal monitor, given an IV and medication to stop the contractions. Not what I had planned.

The thing about fighting expectations is you have to learn to see the good in things. The good is that baby girl is happy and healthy. She is not small at all. In fact it looks like I may be a week ahead of where I thought I was. And let me tell you she is an active little thing.

Now, all this brings me back to breaks. Because I'm on one. A mandatory one called modified bed rest. With a two year old. Thank God for my wonderful husband and family. I'm in great hands if I can lay down my expectations. The expectation that my kitchen floor needs cleaned, and that I still have towels in the dryer to fold, and I wanted to get toilet bowl cleaner yesterday so I could scrub the downstairs toilet, and what kind of parent am I as I sit on a chair and watch my mother take care of my daughter, and what kind of wife am I when my husband comes home from working for us all day and I haven't made him dinner. Oh expectations!

Hopefully when I go to the doctor on Tuesday, things will be looking better and I will be able to return to normal for the next two months until it's time for this sweet girl to come. And hopefully I will have conquered some of my expectations and learned to enjoy a mandatory break and all the good that's surrounding me.

New Life

I don't even know where to begin this story. It is the story of the past three months of our lives but so, so much more than that. It's the story that resonates over and over in our lives of the faithful God we serve. All glory, wonder, awe.... belong to Him!

The end of January I found out I was pregnant. We were thrilled and in my mind I quickly began the planning process - will it be a boy or a girl? where will the baby sleep? how will Natalie feel? I need to buy diapers, I need to buy clothes, Natalie will need a new bed - the process I think only a mother can truly understand.

A week later I had some bleeding and cramping and was sent for an ultrasound. The ultrasound revealed a gestational sac with no baby inside. A few days later blood work showed that my hormone levels were basically back to a pre-pregnancy level. I had lost the baby. The choice was a D & C or to wait and let the process happen naturally. I chose to wait. And so began the mourning process.

Fast forward a month and a half. I feel pregnant again. After thinking about it for awhile I finally worked up the nerve to take a pregnancy test and sure enough it was positive. With some reluctance I returned to the doctor to see what was happening. Best case scenario in my mind I'm about six weeks pregnant with a new pregnancy. Worst case scenario, I'm still dealing with hormones leftover from the first pregnancy.

I make it to the doctor, with my husband by my side, feeling excited, but a little unsure. She tells me that if I still have pregnancy tissue in my body left from the first pregnancy that may give me a positive pregnancy test. She begins the ultrasound. And I don't think I will ever forget the words that come next. "Are you ready for this?" How do answer that? She turns the screen around to reveal not pregnancy tissue, not a 6 or 7 week old fetus, but an almost 15 week old baby with a beating heart and flailing limbs! I never miscarried.

I wish I have a view into what went on in my womb the past three months. I can't know that. The thing I know is that God has been faithful again, the whole time. He was faithful when I found out I was pregnant, He was faithful when I was devastated over miscarrying, He was faithful as I watched the beating heart of that beautiful baby, and He will continue to be the same. Maybe the doctors were wrong and the baby was fine and healthy the whole time. Maybe the baby wasn't fine and healthy and God brought new life. Either way, He's good and we're ecstatic! Baby #2 makes his or her entrance into the world the beginning of October!