Revealing Grace

Winter...here we are again. Where God takes all that is within me and makes it raw and open before him. I wish I could say it is a beautiful sight, but it's not. At least not in this unrefined state. It's kind of ugly and painful to look at, and since I'm sitting at Panera and not in the safety of my living room I wonder if I even want to go there at all. But this is the moment when my mind is free and my heart is beginning to open.

Winter is a time of desperation for me. It's not just a dislike of the snow and the cold and the gray. It seems to be a time when God opens up my heart and reveals my great need of him. It's the time I mourned over that little heartbeat of my third baby that had to be taken away before he/she even had a chance to begin. It's a time of tight finances and little work. A time of finding a balance between enjoying more time with my husband and struggling to deal with the loss of my space and routine. It's hard. I don't really like it.

The beauty of my Father is that he brings redemption to these times. I know it. I've seen it. Over and over again. And as he begins to open my heart and pull out this ugliness, I begin to see Him again.
He reveals himself in the tiny movements of the twin of the baby we lost - a tiny, amazing miracle. He shows me his grace as I bend over the beds of my sleeping beauties to kiss their sweet, sleeping cheeks. He shows his love through my husband that continues on and loves, loves, loves me even when he sees the ugliness within me the most.

I know I need this season. I don't want to let it pass without rejoicing in these moments - the good with the bad. I don't want to move on without releasing this ugliness and clothing myself with beauty and grace. There's still pain.  There are still things I wish I could change.  But when I can see God it's amazing how my perspective changes.

So for now there will be a little extra worship music around our house.  A few extra winter projects to keep the time moving.  A date night, long overdue, with my favorite guy.  And soon Spring will come, and I will have found beauty and lost some of the ugliness within.