Curls

I just couldn't resist capturing these curls last Sunday morning. Of course Natalie wasn't interested in posing - if I had those curls I'm pretty sure I would pose! Anyway, here's what I captured.

Grace

I am so amazed at the grace of my Father... and thankful, because where would I be without it? This winter in many ways has been just that for our family - winter - cold, dreary, dare I say dead. I can think of so many areas that have brought struggle, stress, loss, fear... and yet there is grace. There is this favor shown by a heavenly Father to his earthly children. I am blown away by it when I allow myself to look beyond winter and see. The thing about winter is there is always a promise of spring. I sometimes forget this in my overwhelming despair, which is only overwhelming because I allow it to be. But, today I see. Spring is coming, and I don't think just in the natural. I'm declaring it's coming spiritually, financially, emotionally, physically, and really any other way it wants to come. And in whatever season I find myself, I rejoice in the knowledge that there is grace. That my great God continues to love me, continues to lead me, continues to give me more than enough.

Eighteen Months!

Natalie is eighteen months old. I'm not sure how this happened. Six months blew me away, and then we celebrated her first birthday, and now a year and a half? I am just amazed, everyday, at this beautiful creation God has made and entrusted to us.

She loves running with her Daddy. They have races back and forth through the living room and kitchen which, of course, always ends up in fits of laughter as her Daddy catches her and sweeps her up - I love it!

She loves organizing, yes you heard me right, organizing. I'm fairly sure she doesn't get this trait from me. The majority of her concentrated playtime is spent moving small objects from one place to another. It is great fun watching the determination on her face. She definitely has a plan for what she is doing.

She is my little helper. She loves emptying the dishwasher, taking clothes out of the dryer, throwing away trash, getting toys and snacks for Amirah, putting things away, setting the table, and her new found joy - helping me cook.

I love this girl. Who knew a little girl could be so irresistible :)

Becoming Like a Child

It is amazing to me how much being a mom makes me so aware of my frailty. I think this is a good thing, but it can feel so desperate at times. I felt like I had this direct view of my relationship with God through one such desperate "conversation" with my 18 month old this afternoon. She is standing in front of me falling apart over one thing or another (it was just one of those days). I say, "Natalie, come here. I can help you, but you have to let me." And all of a sudden, it's not a conversation between Natalie and I anymore. I know that God has been whispering the same thing to me as I fall apart over one thing or another (it was just one of those days...weeks... ok, maybe months). "Angela, come here. I can help you, but you have to let me." All of a sudden it's as if I'm the eighteen month old; and as I pull my daughter into a big embrace, I feel the embrace of my Father. We're ok. She's safe in my arms because we are both safe in the arms of our Daddy.

Seeing Clearly

Natalie is upstairs wrapping my Christmas presents with her Daddy, which first of all, I love! I imagine he is in for a little more than he bargained for, but these are the moments memories are built on and he was game. What Daddy could resist that lit up face and the plea of "belp" which in our world we know means "help" - it's the language we speak these days. I am so blessed to have Hans as my husband and the Daddy of my precious little girl.

Recently, I feel like I've been in somewhat of a fog. Sometimes things happen, and I don't understand them, and I get frustrated, and I try fix things, and things get built up inside of me, and I don't take time to deal, and I snap at little things, and I begin to not like who I'm becoming, and I don't take time to really love those that are most important, and I don't trust God, and that means I trust myself, and that's a really scary place to be. I know that's a major run-on sentence, but that's how things build. So anyway, it's almost Christmas, and I need to come out of this cloud because I am so blessed! I cannot deny that. The only thing I need is to learn that God knows exactly what I need. That's enough.

So, Merry Christmas. I am celebrating today with my little, beautiful family. I will delight in the smiles, and giggles, and even cries because this is what I have been given and this is what memories are built on. I hope you celebrate too.

Thanksgiving

We had such a wonderful Thanksgiving - three days of great family and great food (it doesn't get much better than that!)

Here are a few things I'm thankful for today - this list is not nearly exhaustive.

1. A fresh Christmas tree! I know it's extra money and work, but I just can't resist this tradition.

2. A Sunday evening at home with Hans and Natalie. This rarely happens for us and it has been such a treat

3. A pound of Starbucks Christmas blend coffee thanks to my amazing little sister.

4. Christmas radio on Pandora

Challenge

Why is it that I'm doing what I'm doing - in all aspects of my life? This is the challenge I am facing right now. Why do I delight in the new day I've been given and yet struggle to get up in the morning? Why do I triumph in the ups and battle through the downs of being a wife to my husband? Why do I endure the challenges and soak up the rewards of being a stay-at-home mom to my 15 month old daughter and full-time babysitter to my 9 month old niece? Why do I tolerate the stress and celebrate the joy of being a leader? Why do I long for more intimate friendships and rejoice in the companionship I have? Why do I revel in the freedom and rebel against the boundaries our finances create? I don't want to just get by; I want to really live with purpose. Sometimes that means we have to ask ourselves the tough questions. I know there are things I should be doing that I'm not, and things I'm doing that I shouldn't be doing. How do I make this time count. All of these roles I play and hats I put on - it's not just acting. These are the things I have chosen out of a calling I have been given. So, I want to delight in a new day even first thing in the morning. I want to triumph in the ups and downs of my marriage to this amazing man. I desire to soak up every second possible as the two little girls in my life grow up way too fast. I want to celebrate the stress and the joy of being a leader, knowing that both help me grow. I need to rejoice in the friendships I have been blessed with even as I long for deeper connections. I will revel in the knowledge that God holds our finances in His ever capable hands.