Speaking Truth

I feel like Hans and I have entered into a battleground in relationships recently. Not so much our marriage - we have a few issues, but we are committed to work through those, and I believe we are. But, everywhere else we turn there is someone making a poor decision, or struggling with some hurt, or dealing with doubts, worry, bitterness... and these are the people that supposedly have a foundation.

How have we fallen so far? That is the question that keeps running through my head. As Christians, as parents, as leaders - how have we fallen so far? It's sobering to me. We are raising children in the church that don't know right from wrong? Is that scary to anyone else? We need to wake up! Our sins are not okay. Our mediocrity is not okay. And I'm speaking to myself above anyone. I believe it comes down to one thing, we are operating outside of the Spirit, and there is no life outside of the Spirit. We are dead. WAKE UP! RISE UP! We are the Church and if we do not fight we will lose generations... some have already been lost. Are we willing to lose more? I have a little girl sleeping upstairs that is worth this fight and beyond that there is a whole world of children that are worth this fight. I believe we can raise children to be God-fearing in a God-mocking world.

That's my soapbox for today, but seriously let's not give up this fight so soon. Let's join together in raising children that love God and speaking Truth that can combat all the lies of this world. And Hans and I (and many of you, I'm sure) will continue journeying through these relationships and crying out for the Spirit that we have ignored for far too long.

Fulfilled but Longing...

I used to journal. Sometimes I miss that journaling side of me. The side that was reflective and maybe insightful and longed for greatness or anything outside of what I had. In other ways I believe my lack of journaling shows a maturing and deeper contentment with myself and my life. I often journaled when nothing else worked and despair was setting in. So, while maybe I do miss the journaling, I guess I don't long to return to those days. That was before I recognized the man of my dreams, before I became a mom, before I found fulfillment in being a wife, a mom, a sister, a daughter, a friend. And yet, some days, I wonder is my lack of necessity to journal a sign that I've settled? I used to crave vision; I longed to see a life outside of the box I constantly created. Now, most often, I just ask for the strength to get through today. I used to cry out for a deeper understanding of God. While I still think I desire that, I most often don't take the time to ask. I used to be so sure there was a deeper calling on my life then what I could see or understand at the moment. So now, even though I am not completely content, why do I believe that I have arrived?

I think as a wife and a mom, I so often tell myself that it is wrong to long for more. I think that if I crave more vision I'm selling my family short, that I'm not recognizing the amazing gift before me. I feel like it used to be okay for me to be desperate for change, for greatness because I was single and very much at the dawn of discovering what life had for me. And now I've arrived? I don't think so. I'm realizing that this is just another chapter, and while I love this chapter and feel so much more secure and fulfilled than I ever have, I don't have to give up dreaming. There is something in my spirit that will always long for more until the day I meet the one that has put that longing there. I need to reach for the calling that is beyond the mundane, the day to day. But unlike my desperate journalings from the past, I need to recognize that there is fulfillment in today. That there is great calling where I am at. So here I am, fulfilled but longing. I don't think this is such a bad place to be.

My Days

It is unbelievable to me that summer is over and we are headed towards fall. I always find this time of the year bittersweet. I look forwards to crisper, cooler days after a hot, dry summer. I look forwards to the schedule and activities that fall brings after the more laid back days of summer. However, at the same time I mourn the loss of hot weather and relaxing days.

Amirah is an added bonus to this fall weather. I am keeping her five days a week this year, which is proving to be challenging and rewarding. The challenging moments come when I cannot possibly meet the immediate demands of two girls six months apart in age. The rewards come when Natalie bends over to give Amirah a kiss and Amirah reciprocates with a big smile! I'm looking forwards to this year, to watch both girls grow and bond, to invest myself in these small lives with enormous potential.

First Ice Cream Cone!

Well, Natalie's first ice cream cone was a huge success.... and a huge mess, but that's part of the fun, right?

Growing up

I cannot believe that Natalie will be a year old on Sunday. It is amazing the changes a baby makes in the first year. I barely recognize those newborn pictures anymore. Instead I see this vibrant face of my toddler with her curly hair and ready smile. I love this child beyond description.

She loves to be chased, especially by her daddy and especially when he scoops her up and throws her in the air when she is caught. She loves moving her books and toys from one location to another; this tasks keeps her busy half the day. I love watching her do this because she seems to have a definite plan about what she is doing. She loves putting pennies in her piggy bank - smart girl! We can't find enough pennies for her. Secretly I think she is saving for something and just pretending she finds it fun to put the pennies in. She loves talking to people. She practically demands to be noticed at stores. She will smile and "talk" and wave at anyone that is willing to notice.

Hans and I feel so blessed to be her parents. She has totally changed our lives in almost every area, in a way you can never understand until you are a parent. Sometimes it seems we are reeling from the sheer exhaustion of it and sometimes we just stand in pure wonder of the beauty. Either way, we wouldn't trade it for anything.

Happy birthday, beautiful girl!

Security

I'm reading this book right now that I'm going to recommend you read, whether you like the title or not. It's called "So Long Insecurity you've been a bad friend to us" by Beth Moore. I didn't like the title. For one thing, I couldn't find it right away at the library, so I had to ask about it. Who wants to ask for help finding a book about insecurity, that's like wearing a big sticker that says "I'm insecure" isn't it? Then it's been lying around my house for the past four weeks (yeah, it wasn't a quick read for me) reminding me of the issue and alerting anyone that stepped into my house of the issues as well.

That said, I don't think I'm an incredibly insecure person - thanks very little to me and thanks very much to my upbringing. However, there are areas where I struggle and know I could do better. Our culture is like a self-esteem killer for women (and men, but I'm focusing on women right not). I think as a mom, especially as a mom of a daughter, I need to be aware of this and fight for security and confidence! I don't want Natalie growing up comparing herself to every magazine cover and TV ad. I don't want her to think that she has to look or act perfect to find value. And so I realize I have to model confidence to her. I don't want her to catch me looking in the mirror ten times before we can head out the door or trying on fifteen different outfits before finding one that is at least OK. And I certainly don't want her to hear me making negative comments about how I look and act or about someone else. I want her to see a model that handles herself with grace and elegance and treats others with love and respect. So, this is my challenge to myself. In all areas, I want to find my security in my Creator and out of that love myself and love those around me.

Here is a an excerpt from the book that speaks to our value in Christ. Instead of worrying and asking "What will I do if.....?" we need to trust God and say "What will God do if...?" Here are several answers.

I, the Maker of heaven and earth, will:

perfect everything that concerns you (Psalm 138:8)

work all things together for your good (Romans 8:28)

contend with those who contend with you (Isaiah 49:25)

fight this battle with you (2 Chronicles 20:15)

equip you with divine power (2 Corinthians 10:4)

delight to show you mercy (Micah 7:18)

meet all your needs according to My glorious riches in Christ Jesus (Phillippians 4:19)

give you grace that is perfectly sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9)

be your power in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9)

do immeasurably more than all you could ask or imagine, according to the power that is at work

within you (Ephesians 3:20)

As promised, here are a few of the things I love about being a mommy, in picture form.

I love that Natalie cleverly realizes that if she puts things in her mouth she can carry things with her and still move around with both hands free (and yes, this time the sock is clean)

I love how much Natalie loves to explore... she had a little help from her Daddy to get inside the ottoman, but I wouldn't doubt that she could find a way to get in there herself!

I love my two baby days, as challenging as they can be sometimes. I love the relationship Natalie and Amirah are already building. Natalie cannot get enough of this little girl (and unfortunately has not yet learned to show her affection gently. How do you teach a baby to do that?) And Amirah had her first giggle for Natalie!

I love a baby in summer clothes! Not only is it easy, but I cannot get enough of those chubby arms! (and they cannot begin to compare to the chubby legs!)