Daffodils and Pregnancy

I had a dream two nights ago about daffodils.  They were poking up all over my flower beds.  After my last post I thought this was quite fitting.  Spring is coming.  The night before I had a rather unnerving dream that Hans and I talked about and prayed over... and then there were daffodils.  God is definitely at work in our Winter.  Oh, and there defintely are some daffodils starting to peek out of the ground in my flower bed - I looked!

In other news, I am seventeen weeks pregnant and definitely starting to look like it.  I'm sure my belly popped out much sooner this time around!  Hopefully it levels off at some point :(  I'm feeling good and loving this little wiggling baby more every day.  After a lot of thought and questions and prayers we decided to heed the doctors recommendation for 17p shots, since Brielle was born preterm. It was kind of a tough decision since Brielle was five weeks early, but so strong and healthy.  However, I know that is not always the case and decided I would rather know I did what I could. There's not much to it other than a visit to the doctor every week and a sore butt for a couple days after that :)

I just love Saturday mornings - it doesn't matter that a lot of our mornings have been rather lazy lately.  There is something about a Saturday that makes it feel more legitimate :)  Happy Saturday!

Revealing Grace

Winter...here we are again. Where God takes all that is within me and makes it raw and open before him. I wish I could say it is a beautiful sight, but it's not. At least not in this unrefined state. It's kind of ugly and painful to look at, and since I'm sitting at Panera and not in the safety of my living room I wonder if I even want to go there at all. But this is the moment when my mind is free and my heart is beginning to open.

Winter is a time of desperation for me. It's not just a dislike of the snow and the cold and the gray. It seems to be a time when God opens up my heart and reveals my great need of him. It's the time I mourned over that little heartbeat of my third baby that had to be taken away before he/she even had a chance to begin. It's a time of tight finances and little work. A time of finding a balance between enjoying more time with my husband and struggling to deal with the loss of my space and routine. It's hard. I don't really like it.

The beauty of my Father is that he brings redemption to these times. I know it. I've seen it. Over and over again. And as he begins to open my heart and pull out this ugliness, I begin to see Him again.
He reveals himself in the tiny movements of the twin of the baby we lost - a tiny, amazing miracle. He shows me his grace as I bend over the beds of my sleeping beauties to kiss their sweet, sleeping cheeks. He shows his love through my husband that continues on and loves, loves, loves me even when he sees the ugliness within me the most.

I know I need this season. I don't want to let it pass without rejoicing in these moments - the good with the bad. I don't want to move on without releasing this ugliness and clothing myself with beauty and grace. There's still pain.  There are still things I wish I could change.  But when I can see God it's amazing how my perspective changes.

So for now there will be a little extra worship music around our house.  A few extra winter projects to keep the time moving.  A date night, long overdue, with my favorite guy.  And soon Spring will come, and I will have found beauty and lost some of the ugliness within.

Happy New Year

I am excited for a new year.  Full of anticipation.  2012 ended a little rough for us, but we are ready and hopeful for what is ahead - especially for the addition of this little baby to our family.  Here's to a year of fruitfulness as we abide in the faithfulness of our Father!

My Story.

I have written so many things this past week, thought so many thoughts, had so many conversations in my head.  I'm unsure how to share a story of sadness and joy. Longing to express my heart, but insecure in where to start and stop.  My wise husband said, "just share, it's your story."

We lost a little life last week.  A little baby with a beating heart that did not make it to the security of Mommy's womb. Ectopic pregnancy - one of those strange, "wouldn't happen to me" things that happened.  I mourn for that little life, that beating heart that felt safe.  That is now safe, not in my womb, but in the hands of his or her Maker.

We discovered another little life last week.  A little baby with a beating heart in the security of my womb.  Two babies, one that had to be taken from me, and one I am blessed to hold and carry for awhile longer. And so I mourn and I rejoice and sometimes I don't know what I'm doing when.

And God is with me and he carries me.  I explained this evening to my three year old how God is the One that knows everything.  That we are ok, even when we don't know because He knows.  The truth of those words hit me now and I'm overhwhelmed by a God who knows, a God who is.  And my heart beats in the security of His arms.  And ultimately I rejoice because He's got us and we are all ok.

Grace for the morning

It was one of those moments... everything broke down and we were all left in tears. Mommy, big girl, and baby.  I'm crying out for God to cover the brokenness, the disobedience, the sickness as we all cry; and I'm left asking myself "how did we get to this point?"  I can list a handful of things - the morning started to abruptly, Daddy left for work after being home a couple of days, stress, sickness, fatigue.  And while all of these things may have contributed to our chaotic start, none of those things were the root.  What if I had sought out my Father first thing, rather than a hot shower?  What if I had given thanks for a new dawn, instead of focusing  on the "to do's" of the day.  What if I had embraced redemption, sought out grace, chosen joy?  And so my prayer ushered in a new beginning, a do-over for our morning thanks to the redemption, grace, and joy of our King.  Now we have peace for the moment, and God's presence and forgiveness to cover the rest.  It's a good morning.

Good morning!

I know this is the story of motherhood, but this little girl is growing up so fast!  Still no words, but so much expression and so much personality!  I just love her.

Attitude Change

Today was one of those days.  That day that you know you need a perspective ....ummm...errr... attitude change, but you just can't seem to get there.  And everything is a reflection of it, especially the attitude of your children.  BIG SIGH!  I am so thankful for a Mom who takes time on her day off to pick us up (did I mention I couldn't even get out because I couldn't start the car!) and treats us to ice cream.  I am blessed by a husband who comes home from work and heads straight out to the garage to fix my car because he heard the panic in my voice when I couldn't leave the house earlier in the day.  I am delighted by the giggles of my baby as we snuggle before she slips off to her sweet slumber.  I am amazed by my girl who challenges me and inspires me by her will and her heart.  Her prayers are touching the heart of her Father and softening my heart.

"Dear God, help us to listen." " Dear God, Brielle and me and Oscar (the cat) are scared of thunder, please don't leave us."  "Dear God, Brielle follows me everywhere, please help us."

God, give me the grace and the perspective (ok, attitude change) to love and to lead.