Seeing Clearly

Natalie is upstairs wrapping my Christmas presents with her Daddy, which first of all, I love! I imagine he is in for a little more than he bargained for, but these are the moments memories are built on and he was game. What Daddy could resist that lit up face and the plea of "belp" which in our world we know means "help" - it's the language we speak these days. I am so blessed to have Hans as my husband and the Daddy of my precious little girl.

Recently, I feel like I've been in somewhat of a fog. Sometimes things happen, and I don't understand them, and I get frustrated, and I try fix things, and things get built up inside of me, and I don't take time to deal, and I snap at little things, and I begin to not like who I'm becoming, and I don't take time to really love those that are most important, and I don't trust God, and that means I trust myself, and that's a really scary place to be. I know that's a major run-on sentence, but that's how things build. So anyway, it's almost Christmas, and I need to come out of this cloud because I am so blessed! I cannot deny that. The only thing I need is to learn that God knows exactly what I need. That's enough.

So, Merry Christmas. I am celebrating today with my little, beautiful family. I will delight in the smiles, and giggles, and even cries because this is what I have been given and this is what memories are built on. I hope you celebrate too.

Thanksgiving

We had such a wonderful Thanksgiving - three days of great family and great food (it doesn't get much better than that!)

Here are a few things I'm thankful for today - this list is not nearly exhaustive.

1. A fresh Christmas tree! I know it's extra money and work, but I just can't resist this tradition.

2. A Sunday evening at home with Hans and Natalie. This rarely happens for us and it has been such a treat

3. A pound of Starbucks Christmas blend coffee thanks to my amazing little sister.

4. Christmas radio on Pandora

Challenge

Why is it that I'm doing what I'm doing - in all aspects of my life? This is the challenge I am facing right now. Why do I delight in the new day I've been given and yet struggle to get up in the morning? Why do I triumph in the ups and battle through the downs of being a wife to my husband? Why do I endure the challenges and soak up the rewards of being a stay-at-home mom to my 15 month old daughter and full-time babysitter to my 9 month old niece? Why do I tolerate the stress and celebrate the joy of being a leader? Why do I long for more intimate friendships and rejoice in the companionship I have? Why do I revel in the freedom and rebel against the boundaries our finances create? I don't want to just get by; I want to really live with purpose. Sometimes that means we have to ask ourselves the tough questions. I know there are things I should be doing that I'm not, and things I'm doing that I shouldn't be doing. How do I make this time count. All of these roles I play and hats I put on - it's not just acting. These are the things I have chosen out of a calling I have been given. So, I want to delight in a new day even first thing in the morning. I want to triumph in the ups and downs of my marriage to this amazing man. I desire to soak up every second possible as the two little girls in my life grow up way too fast. I want to celebrate the stress and the joy of being a leader, knowing that both help me grow. I need to rejoice in the friendships I have been blessed with even as I long for deeper connections. I will revel in the knowledge that God holds our finances in His ever capable hands.

Things That Made My Day Great...

I woke up this morning and decided that I needed to have a great day after a rather rough day yesterday. It's amazing the affect a little perspective can have on your day (I knew that yesterday too, but sometimes it's a little hard to turn around once you've already started).

Here are a few things that helped make my day great.

Natalie hardly ever sits in her high chair anymore. I thing she looks so big when she sits in it and it makes me just a little bit sad. This morning she wanted to sit in it with her crayons - she doesn't color with them she just likes to put them in and out of the bag.

Amirah gives a great grin. I call her my little cheerleader.

A made an apple pie. I haven't tasted it yet. That will be a great ending to a great day.

I listened to some great worship music while I made the apple pie - Jonathan David Helser. If you haven't listened to his music it's well worth your time.

http://www.jonathanhelser.com/jonathanhelser/Home.html

A great day wouldn't be complete without the great man in my life. He came home a little early today which always makes me smile. I'm not so sure he was impressed with my picture taking.

Here's to great days and even better days ahead!

Natalie and Amirah

These girls are something else. There is very seldom a dull moment in our house during the day. Now that Amirah is on the move, the dynamics of she and Natalie's relationship is also on the move (i.e. she can get into Natalie's space rather quickly rather than Natalie only being able to get into her space). Needless to say, Natalie is not sure how she feels about this. So drama ensues. They really are great friends though, most often. You can tell by the way Natalie calls out "baby" (which sounds a bit more like "bubby") as soon as Amirah comes and the way Amirah's face lights up. Cute kids, I must say :)

It's next to impossible to get a picture of the two of them together, but I have mentioned to get a few in the past few days. Here's a little peek.

Natalie loves climbing into anything - baskets, boxes (whether she really fits or not). Amirah is mostly game for whatever Natalie has attempted - so fun to watch!

Watching Sesame Street (it was only a few minutes, Melanie, I promise!)

Speaking Truth

I feel like Hans and I have entered into a battleground in relationships recently. Not so much our marriage - we have a few issues, but we are committed to work through those, and I believe we are. But, everywhere else we turn there is someone making a poor decision, or struggling with some hurt, or dealing with doubts, worry, bitterness... and these are the people that supposedly have a foundation.

How have we fallen so far? That is the question that keeps running through my head. As Christians, as parents, as leaders - how have we fallen so far? It's sobering to me. We are raising children in the church that don't know right from wrong? Is that scary to anyone else? We need to wake up! Our sins are not okay. Our mediocrity is not okay. And I'm speaking to myself above anyone. I believe it comes down to one thing, we are operating outside of the Spirit, and there is no life outside of the Spirit. We are dead. WAKE UP! RISE UP! We are the Church and if we do not fight we will lose generations... some have already been lost. Are we willing to lose more? I have a little girl sleeping upstairs that is worth this fight and beyond that there is a whole world of children that are worth this fight. I believe we can raise children to be God-fearing in a God-mocking world.

That's my soapbox for today, but seriously let's not give up this fight so soon. Let's join together in raising children that love God and speaking Truth that can combat all the lies of this world. And Hans and I (and many of you, I'm sure) will continue journeying through these relationships and crying out for the Spirit that we have ignored for far too long.

Fulfilled but Longing...

I used to journal. Sometimes I miss that journaling side of me. The side that was reflective and maybe insightful and longed for greatness or anything outside of what I had. In other ways I believe my lack of journaling shows a maturing and deeper contentment with myself and my life. I often journaled when nothing else worked and despair was setting in. So, while maybe I do miss the journaling, I guess I don't long to return to those days. That was before I recognized the man of my dreams, before I became a mom, before I found fulfillment in being a wife, a mom, a sister, a daughter, a friend. And yet, some days, I wonder is my lack of necessity to journal a sign that I've settled? I used to crave vision; I longed to see a life outside of the box I constantly created. Now, most often, I just ask for the strength to get through today. I used to cry out for a deeper understanding of God. While I still think I desire that, I most often don't take the time to ask. I used to be so sure there was a deeper calling on my life then what I could see or understand at the moment. So now, even though I am not completely content, why do I believe that I have arrived?

I think as a wife and a mom, I so often tell myself that it is wrong to long for more. I think that if I crave more vision I'm selling my family short, that I'm not recognizing the amazing gift before me. I feel like it used to be okay for me to be desperate for change, for greatness because I was single and very much at the dawn of discovering what life had for me. And now I've arrived? I don't think so. I'm realizing that this is just another chapter, and while I love this chapter and feel so much more secure and fulfilled than I ever have, I don't have to give up dreaming. There is something in my spirit that will always long for more until the day I meet the one that has put that longing there. I need to reach for the calling that is beyond the mundane, the day to day. But unlike my desperate journalings from the past, I need to recognize that there is fulfillment in today. That there is great calling where I am at. So here I am, fulfilled but longing. I don't think this is such a bad place to be.